I may sound like an old lady here, but what has happened to parenting today where we no longer value good manners? It seems that this isn’t important anymore in today’s culture. When I grew up, here in the South, we were taught to say “yes ma’am” and “no sir,” “please,” and “thank you.” We were taught to use our napkins, chew with our mouth closed, sit up straight, and speak to adults. We thanked our host/hostess for inviting us to parties. I remember HATING learning those things as a child, but I’m SO glad I did; and the older I get, the more I realize how valuable these seemingly little lessons in manners are!
So why aren’t parents teaching good manners anymore? I’m not really sure. Maybe some think that teaching manners is just about impressing other adults. They may also think good manners have no value in today’s world. I think, though, a main reason is that we are just too busy and distracted to take the time to teach these things (I’m guilty of that one).
I’m thankful to the Lord for my parents who taught me good manners, and I’ve also been listening to a lot of Elisabeth Elliot’s lectures (which have been made into podcast episodes). She has helped me to see the WHY behind manners, and I hope it encourages you too:
- Good manners show respect for the person we’re with, and teach us to value others above ourselves. Chewing with our mouth closed, politely asking someone to pass the salt, looking someone in the eye while talking, holding a door for someone, using our napkins to wipe our mouths, these things teach us to consider the person we are with. It demonstrates we aren’t just thinking about ourselves. It’s a way to show love.
- Good manners teach children respect for authority. This is a big one. Saying “yes sir” and “no ma’am” to adults, not interrupting adults while they are talking, not “talking back” when an adult gives instructions, these things teach children to respect authority and help to demonstrate that the child is not in charge, the adult is. They help in teaching obedience and patience.
The lessons taught by manners are so much more than we think they are! It makes so much sense when you think about it.
I know I have to be very careful of being too busy or distracted to teach these things to our kids. I may spend hours finding the perfect outfits for them, researching the best probiotic/vitamins for them to take, or finding the most amazing elf on the shelf ideas but neglect to teach them manners. I might justify it by thinking I am doing something else that good; but at the end of the day, if I neglect to teach them these basic principles, my priorities are disordered.
I’m thankful for a husband who grew up in a home like I did that values manners, and who can help remind me what is important. He does a particularly good job enforcing table manners, which means that dinners at home aren’t always fun, but it’s worth it when we can have a nice meal together at a restaurant. They’re also pretty good about saying “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am.”
I also think in our culture in general we need to “get over ourselves” as parents by letting other adults correct our children when it comes to manners. We cannot believe the lie that a grandparent’s, coach’s, or teacher’s correction of our child means that we are failing as parents. The Lord has placed other adults in our children’s lives, and we can be thankful that they are helping us train and teach them important things like manners. People older than us have wisdom and we can learn from it!
I’m not going to pretend I’ve got this all figured out or that my kids are perfect. They are absolutely not. As I write this, I’m recalling one time when Easton was in elementary school and he admitted to me that he ate his food at lunch without a fork or a spoon. I said, “what did you have?” He hung his head and said, “….beans.” I said, “so you ate off of your plate like a dog?” “….yes ma’am.” …
I keep thinking about this Bible verse:
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6 ESV
The word “train” makes me think of what it’s like to really train someone- doing something or practicing it over and over and over again. It’s like this with manners, right? Kids can learn simple things like “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” at a really early age but it requires repeated correcting. Don’t you remember your parents teaching you? I can still hear my mom saying “did you thank them for having you?” when I left a friends’ house and it would annoy me so much, but I’m so grateful that she asked me every time, and made me do it.
We need to remember that it may feel like we are saying the same things over and over, but we can’t give up. We are raising men and women- future husbands and wives, moms and dads, people who will contribute to society one day. Over time, they will get it (I hope!); and we see them starting to learn manners we have to remember all the things they are learning behind it! And this is Biblical, putting others before ourselves.
I encourage you to listen to two of my FAVORITE lessons from Elisabeth Elliot. These have been so edifying. They are completely counter-cultural, but I feel like it’s what our parents/grandparents would want to tell us:
https://elisabethelliot.org/resource-library/lectures-talks/order-in-the-home/
Pinestraw Mountain 