The First Weeks of Summer

Honestly, the first few weeks have been rough. And, I knew it would be hard having two young children with me all day every day. Still, I hoped I could maintain my patience, and achieve my goal of a simplified, joy-filled summer with my boys. But on the first day, a whining, complaining five-year old, and a fussy baby were more than I could handle. I lost my cool (like, threw toys across the room. I also threw two in the garbage as punishment for Easton).

Thankfully, since that first day, there have been some valuable lessons learned that I hope to carry with me for the rest of the summer.

The next few days were a little better. We went to the zoo, had cousins over to play; and although it was still hard, we had some really good moments. But by the end of every day I felt completely depleted and exhausted. I told Pat, “but it’s a good tired. I love it- I really do.”

We drove down to Panama City Beach the Thursday before Memorial Day after Pat got off work, and didn’t get there until midnight. By the time we got the kids settled in their beds and I pumped, it was one o’clock in the morning. Barrett woke up around 3 to eat, I nursed him, and then he woke up for the day at around 6:30. Pat went to the grocery store that morning, and I scrambled to get our stuff together to go to the beach so we could get out there during Barrett’s awake window. When we got down to the beach, (praise the Lord), Barrett loved it and my mom held him while he dozed off for a bit. But, I couldn’t relax. The whole time I worried Barrett would would be too hot, or get sunburned, or that I wasn’t spending enough time with Easton, or that Easton would drown (he literally couldn’t stay out of the ocean, like he was his own personal version of Moana). But, we still made some great memories and overall it was a good day. I was tired, though. That night, we went to dinner at my favorite Panama City Beach restaurant. Barrett got fussy, so I had to scarf my food while Pat and I took turns walking him around the restaurant. Then, I took him to the bathroom to change his diaper and heard people commenting about how long it was taking the person in the big stall (the one with the changing table). Me. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I just changed his diaper as fast as I could and got out of there. After dinner, everyone wanted to go to this little amusement park and ride rides. I knew I needed to get Barrett home, but I wanted to spend time with Easton. My parents offered to either take Barrett back to the condo or take Easton to the amusement park. Whatever I wanted to do, they said. I asked Pat. “Whatever you want to do,” he said. But I was so tired, and my postpartum hormonal self literally could not make a decision. In my mind, at that moment, someone was asking me to choose between my children. And I lost it, right there in the restaurant. Like, crying uncontrollably and yelling at my sister. I felt like a crazy person, and I’m 100% certain that I looked like one. Finally, my mom came up and hugged me and said, “maybe you need to go back to the condo and get some rest. You need to take care of yourself first.” Good advice. I did, and although I felt guilty for not riding rides with Easton at the amusement park, I did feel much better the next day. The rest of the trip was good, but I felt terrible and embarrassed by my meltdown. I thought, here I am on a beach trip with my family, loving husband, two healthy kids, and I am crying. What is wrong with me?

The week after we got home, we had a lot of good moments. We went to a new splash pad, and had friends over to play. I felt so grateful to be home with my children – getting to read books to both boys every day before nap time, watching Easton play outside, and watching Barrett smile at his brother. But, I also felt so overwhelmed. I was trying to give Easton the “perfect summer,” but still make sure Barrett was getting enough naps and staying on his feeding schedule. I was trying to make sure I did everything right. After a few days of feeling exhausted, tired, (and, sadly, I admit, after two more meltdowns), I realized something needed to change.

1. At Pat’s suggestion, I joined a gym with good childcare – one where I felt comfortable leaving Barrett for an hour or two.

2. After much reluctance and discussion with Pat, I decided to stop pumping/breastfeeding. And this decision did not come without guilt either, but I know it will help me mentally.

I realized that in order to be a good mom, or even an okay one, I’ve got to take care of myself. For me, that means taking some sort of mental break through exercise or reading.

I talked about this to my mom, who was very supportive of my decisions. She said that it must be really hard to be a mom today because “you just know too much.” It is so true. We have all of the parenting information we could ever want at our fingertips, but it is too much. Our brains are on overload. Don’t let your kids have too much screen time. “Breast is Best.” Oh, and make sure you breastfeed for two years now. Don’t be a helicopter parent, but don’t let them run too wild. Make sure your kids’ food is organic, gluten-free, non-GMO, from pasture-raised animals only. Or vegan. Don’t use aerosol sunscreen. Don’t use sunscreen with chemicals. But watch out, because some of the organic, chemical-free sunscreens don’t work and you need to re-apply every 20 minutes. And on top of that, we have social media where we can compare our parenting to everyone else’s highlight reels and also see their parenting opinions through the articles they share and comment on. As if being a parent weren’t hard enough!

I became a stay-at-home mom partly to be more like my own mom. I had a wonderful childhood, and always felt like she made us her top priority. And we had the best summers- swimming at the pool, and playing with our friends. But, looking back at what our days were like, I also remember that we started our days watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. Mom did her Jane Fonda workout video before we went to the pool each day. We could do it with her, or go play. At one o’clock every day she watched Days of Our Lives. We could watch it with her or do our own thing. When we were older, instead of the Jane Fonda tapes, we went with her to the gym. She said, “back then, self-care wasn’t a thing. I was just doing what I thought I should do, but I guess it was keeping me sane too.”

So, I joined the gym on Tuesday. On Tuesday night, I had a glass of wine with Pat on the screened-in porch before the dishes were done. On Wednesday, we went back to the gym. Easton loved it and Barrett did great. I took a spin class, and I noticed all the other moms there doing the same thing, which (I admit) made me feel much less guilty. And amazingly, the rest of the week was much smoother.

These have been our first weeks of summer. My first real test as a stay-at-home mom. There have been some hard lessons learned. I am still figuring out how to balance time between two children, and I know there are many more lessons to be learned, but I am confident the rest of the summer will only get better.

And to all the moms out there (and mostly, myself):

1. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity. Take some time to be you, and give your mind a break.

2. Social Media is a highlight reel of people’s lives. I know we all know this, but believe it. And if scrolling through Instagram or Facebook leaves you feeling negative afterward, then maybe it’s time to take a break.

3. Let go of the idea of perfection. This is the hardest one for me. Some days, there might be baby toys everywhere and the laundry might not get folded, and Easton may have watched too much TV, but it’s ok and doesn’t mean you are doing a bad job. There is always tomorrow. And I watched Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers (and sometimes Days of Our Lives), and turned out ok. And, in fact, in my mind I had the best summers ever.

You are doing a great job, Mama.