My Testimony

One day last winter, I stood all alone in the upstairs hallway of a dark, nasty wrestling gym and realized 

“I am broken.” 

On the way to take the boys to wrestling that day, I’d been wrestling with some very dark thoughts of my own: that I was worthless, and that I was a failure. We were running late (as usual) and I thought to myself, as I admit I often did since I’d left my career 6 years prior, “I’m just a stay at home mom.  I can’t even do do this one little thing and get my kids to wrestling on time.  Everyone else is doing so much more than me.  I’m a failure.  My kids would do better with a different mom.  Pat would be better off with a different wife.  I’m worthless.”  This little spiral sounds pretty pathetic,  but it really was a frequently occurring thought pattern at that time.  I often felt useless and worthless, and these thoughts seemed to be getting worse and worse. 

I’d struggled with perfectionism most of my life.  Looking back, I can see the idols I had in my heart, things that were more important to me than Jesus- my job, family and friends’ opinions of me, my reputation, my appearance… The thing is, I knew Truth.  Or, I thought I did.  I was saved at age 8, grew up in church, and have led a Bible study for the past 6 years.  I would have told you all day long that Jesus was my Savior, the only way to Heaven, all those things. But my eyes weren’t on Him, they were on me.  I was hyper-aware that I was a sinner,  so obsessed with all my flaws that I beat myself up over them all the time.  It’s a twisted form of pride, but pride nonetheless. I was thinking about myself all the time, and over-analyzing my words and actions constantly.    I guess I believed that if only I figured out more about “me” and prove to myself and others that I was “good enough”, maybe I could finally let go of the perfectionism. So, I continued on in my self-help journey, often in the form of “Christian” books.  I learned my enneagram number, I read about how to “love myself” more, how to worry less, simplify my life, figure out my purpose, and even read my Bible for ways to do better- to be the “best” Christian.  These pursuits made me temporarily feel better, but I’d end right back up in the dark thoughts.  Thankfully, however, the Lord was working, like He does.  He led me to start reading my Bible (not a devotion but the actual Word of God) every day, and doing deeper Bible studies with my group. Still, the dark thoughts continued and got even worse. I felt like God was wrestling with my heart over something, but I couldn’t quite articulate it well; and my mind felt like a jumbled up mess.  So, I went to see a Christian counselor. She just reminded me that Jesus loves me, and encouraged me to repent of the idols on the throne of my heart.  It was great, but hard, and for a little while longer the perfectionism and feelings of worthlessness and uselessness got worse.  But God was still working. 

So there I was at the top of the wrestling gym, where I realized “I am broken.”

And the thing was, I wasn’t sad at all.  Nothing happened in that moment, and yet something clicked in my brain.  I realized fully in my heart for the first time that “I am a sinner in need of a Savior.”  I knew I needed only Jesus and there was no other hope.  It’s like I was starting to understand that the salvation offered through Jesus’s work on the cross was for me. 

And still the dark and jumbled thoughts continued, the perfectionism got worse.  Some days were better than others; and I kept reading and studying my Bible every day. I kept meeting with my Bible study group and they graciously encouraged me and prayed for me during this time. 

And of course the whole time God was working, like He does, and gradually my thoughts started to change.   A particular moment of clarity involved a friend at Bible Study just reading the verses “whoever is first will be last and last first in the kingdom of God…for the Son of Man did not come to serve but to give his life as a ransom for many.” (from Matthew 20). Nothing happened when she read it- I already knew those verses; but walking to the bus stop that day to get the boys I had a sudden clarity: like God was saying that this small, simple, “boring” task of walking to the bus stop may seem unimportant to the world, but it was so important to Him.  Another moment was my oldest son attending VBS at a Baptist church (now our church) and realizing he was a sinner who needed a Savior. Other moments of clarity like that happened through books and podcasts of authors and speakers and apologists who clearly articulated the Gospel.  One specific book was “Mere Christianity” by CS Lewis.  I love how he explained a “bankruptcy of self” for the Christian, and how he described the sin of pride.  Other helpful podcasts and books were by Allie Beth Stuckey, Alisa Childers, and Melissa Dougherty, all of which helped me to see several false gospels that had trickled into my faith.  Pat was more patient than I could imagine and reminded me he loved me and wasn’t going anywhere. 

We know Romans 8:28 says that “God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”  And when you look and see how He was weaving all of the little moments together like only He could, it’s just a miracle. 

So from the moment in the wrestling gym until now, it’s like the scales are falling off my eyes as God untangles the lies I’ve believed to reveal the beauty of just the Gospel. I guess this is the “working out” of my salvation described in Philippians 2.

For me, these Biblical Truths were so helpful:  (1) that the human heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9), (2) that ALL have sinned and fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23); and (3) that my attempts at “righteousness” are like filthy rags compared to the righteousness of God (Isaiah 64:6). It sounds very basic, but just realizing I was a normal person who needed Jesus helped me realize I didn’t have to try to be perfect anymore.   I guess I couldn’t really believe Amazing Grace was actually amazing until I finally realized I was a wretch that needed to be saved. 

The answer to my problem, to my sin struggle is Jesus.  Just Jesus.  He took the punishment for my sins on the cross.  He rose three days later, and because of this sacrifice and resurrection I am made new.  Born again.  That’s how much God loves me, and now I get to spend eternity with Him!

Satan’s lies today are still the same as in the Garden.  “Did God really say?” And “you could be like God.”  He often disguises these lies in half-truths, false gospels, such as the self-love gospel which is the primary false gospel I found myself believing.  And because they sound true or maybe have Bible verses mixed in, they are so dangerous!

My prayer every day now is for humility and confidence.  That I will think of myself less. When I am tempted to go back into the dark thoughts, the words I tell myself are this:  “get over yourself.”   The truth is, I am not, and never will be “enough.” And what a relief that is! Loving myself more, figuring myself out, looking inward, will never save me.  But I am deeply and outrageously loved by the God of the Universe who sacrificed His Son for me. That’s WAY better. 

If you’re wondering if I still struggle with those dark thoughts, the answer is no, not really. Sometimes I’m tempted to, but then I remember my feelings aren’t truth.  Truth is truth.  God’s Word is truth. Jesus is Truth.  Jesus really is the Way the Truth and the Life.

I read this today in Philippians.  Paul just sums this up way better than I could, even though I could never compare my “suffering” to his:

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭3‬:‭8‬-‭14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Amen.